Values vs Hype

The national news is full of stories about how people are ready and willing to start spending at holiday time once again. It seems they have confidence in the economy so now while they aren’t going to go crazy at the stores; they are going to make a big dent in that credit card or savings account. You can see the glee in everyone’s eyes and the inundation of buy buy buy…from commercials, to catalogs to online advertisements. We are bombarded minute by minute about all the material things we should have and how we are the worst parents in the world if we don’t buy our children that one extra special or several special toys. It seems the materialism that runs our world has returned and it is once again off to the races.

Now what is a parent to do? Truthfully, the last few years may have been hard economically, but there was that added bonus of correcting our vision of what is right and wrong in our world. We were able to get in touch with what is truly important and redirect our perspectives. The nice thing about it was that you could include your children in on this total about face. We were able to remind ourselves and our family of what the meaning of this season happens to be and how we should approach it and in fact approach every day of our lives.

Now, for our family, charity happens to be a way of life. We regularly give to the local community center; in fact the boys will throw nothing away. Every piece of clothing that they outgrow is earmarked for that center. From the time they entered school we taught them about giving and never failed to put a dollar in that Salvation Army bucket even in the hardest of times. The boys love to put their quarters in the charity jars wherever we go and if there was a volunteer opportunity either at school or at our religious institution the entire family took part. We always had the boys watch the news and learn what is happening in the world. We taught them that they are obligated in this world to give back to others.

This has always been our philosophy. We, as Americans, are some of the luckiest people in history of the human race. We are the politically freest and economically freest. We can do, believe, and create anything that our own imaginations will allow us. The only thing that can stand in our way is ourselves. There are ways to accomplish anything you want to accomplish you just need to figure it out, and believe you me it is out there if you want it bad enough and look hard enough. We Americans, as a people, are blessed and with those blessing comes obligations to help others who have less than we do. (By the way, privately we are some of the most generous people on the planet.)

Of course this does not mean that you do not live well, or educate yourselves, or even enjoy your life. But what it means is that you learn the difference between need and want and where the line truly should be drawn. It is not necessarily an easy thing to explain to a child or even to figure out for yourself as an adult, but it is possible to live and think and realize that there are ways to better your own soul.

We have taught the boys to give financially to charities of their choice from the time they were very little. From the time they were small they have received a lot of money from relatives at this time of year. In fact that is generally what they receive in lieu of gifts. The truth of the matter is that our children have never wanted for anything and other than a few video games and Pokémon or Yugiyoh cards, nothing ever was very important to them. So relatives were told to give them cash at this time of the year and we would use if for when the boys decided on what they would like. Listen you can have just so many sweaters, or pairs of jeans or sneakers before it just becomes déclassé.

Well since we happen to have a lot of relatives the money added up very quickly. In fact, it ended up being just too much money for small children. The reality is that the boys did not need to use that money for necessities; this was entirely money for “fun.” We just couldn’t see the boys throwing all that money away on junk that the next day they would either forget about or not like anymore. So we came up with a plan.

We call it the thirds plan. They got to keep 1/3 of the money. (Ok if it still ended being a lot of money it was greatly reduced. They being children had no real idea of how much money it was anyway and we could direct it how we felt it best.) Then 1/3 got put in their college fund and 1/3, they had to send to a charity or charities of their choice.

I remember one day I was watching Oprah and she had just started the Angel Network. The boys were very intrigued by where the money went and I came up with the 1/3 plan right at that moment. It has worked out well over the years. They of course decided to give their money to that charity that year. Over the years as they have grown, they have participated in food and clothing drives at school, learned about the United Way and the Junior League. They watched commercials on television and wanted to give to the Smile Train, ASPCA, Wishing Well, and Toys for Tots (to name just a few). Many of today’s high schools even have a community service requirement for graduation. Unfortunately our school does not have such a requirement but there are charity clubs to join. They both have joined Save Darfur, Amnesty International, and the general all purpose charity clubs, gathering food for the local food bank, making sandwiches for the children of local inmates at a prison near us for visiting day, packaging medical supplies for Africa and Haiti, participating in Habitat for Humanity. Now none of these activities takes up a tremendous amount of time, but it important that they give some time.

One of the ways that the boys learned to do this is actually by watching us, the parents over all the years. I spent many an hour volunteering at the schools that they attended. I participated in everything from being the library monitor, to helping create printed bound versions of stories that 2nd graders had written, to planning the thank you lunch for the teachers, to being the class go to parent for everything from trip chaperone to party planner. (I vividly remember a big hug from my oldest for being the party mom for his 5th grade graduation party.) And in my final PTA foray the high school treasurer (not my best 2 years) and welcome wagon chairperson for new families. The husband would tag along with the boys when chaperones were needed for large charity projects too. This way they learned that everything isn’t always about work too.

We also like to take the boys out of their comfort zone and have them do things that they have not done before. One year we helped at a local Catholic church to set up a Christmas Day lunch for people living in homeless shelters. By this time they were teens and found the experience very rewarding. They organized toys, clothes and set up the tables, chairs and decorations. Interestingly the church did not need us on Christmas Day as they had more than enough volunteers for then. (I think a very nice indication of the type of people who live in that neighborhood.)

The truth of the matter is that the lessons you teach your children from the time they are very young, are the ones that they learn and learn well. We have always taught the boys to give to charity and to understand how lucky they were. We have taught them that their blessings obligate them to give to those less fortunate, just as they make a wonderful life for themselves. We taught them that you could always better yourself no matter what you do and no matter how much you give.

Now this did backfire on us one day. I came home one day and as usual I checked my credit card on line. Having been a victim of credit card theft I am obsessed about making sure that the charges on my cards are in line with reality and that no thief has access to my credit. So I went on line and saw an unusual charge for a charity. At least I thought it was a charity and called the 800 number associated with the charge. Yep, I was right a charity. Now I had not made a new donation and neither had the husband. I decided to confront the boys. Didn’t think some stranger would steal my card to give money away instead of charging a Barbados vacation. It turned out that my oldest had decided that I had not given enough to a particular charity so after he had given his 1/3 of his holiday money he added some more of my money to the pot.

Did he know what he was doing was wrong? Apparently since he went into my email and deleted the confirmation emails that were sent. So he definitely was trying to hide what he had done. The only problem was he didn’t realize that we received bills. How he thought we knew how to pay the amount due I never actually got a straight answer. However, he learned another lesson that day. That taking money that does not belong to you and giving it away to a charity is still stealing. Kiddo lost his 1/3 of “game money” and had to do chores to make up for the rest of the money spent. No, we did not call and cancel the donation. Thought that would be disgusting. Luckily, he hadn’t given away so much that he spent our mortgage payment. But he did get a lesson in budgeting and how you have to pay your bills as an adult before you give all your money away.

So this is one of my favorite stories. In fact no matter whom I tell this story to they usually crack up laughing. Children steal their parent’s credit card for expensive sneakers, video games or an iPod. My child stole to give away to a charity. Guess you can’t make these things up. The stealing part not so good, but the charity part I am pretty proud of. Meanwhile he definitely learned his lesson about taking my credit card no matter what the reason.

The truth is that your children do learn from you and your actions. If you want them to have a good understanding of the difference between need and want you need to set the example. If you want your children to give to charities and help out those less fortunate you need to spend some of your time doing the same. Just because we live in a materialistic society doesn’t mean that your children need to value things over duty. That is up to you and your duty to them. By the way I didn’t mention that both of my boys have aspergers syndrome, a form of autism. See there is a no reason to not teach values, morals and ethics.

Happy Holidays.

Elise
aka aspergers2mom

Elise blogs at Raising Asperger’s Kids. Thanks for the guest post, Elise!

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