BlogHer ’10 – Bringing Sex out of the Closet

Caution: If you are related to me, please just skip this post. You probably won’t want to read what’s being discussed in this panel. (On a side note, people in the hallway are being loud and exceptionally rude.)

This session is Bringing Sex out of the Closet, sponsored by EdenFantasys. Twanna Hines is moderating, with AV Flox, Genia Stevens, Kristen Chase, and Tess Danesi.

The hashtag for this session is #BlogHerSex for people who don’t want to ask questions out loud.

For the moms in the group, can you talk about how difficult it can be to talk about sex online when you’re a parent.

On Motherhood Uncensored, Mominatrix has been thanked for talking about sex in a place where other moms could talk about it. She became more comfortable sharing her persona’s experiences. She separates herself, Kristen, from her Mominatrix persona.

Genia has always written under her own name, which has been interesting for her as a black lesbian in a small town. She’s had to explain “Mommy’s lesbian sex toy” to her 12-year-old son who went through her drawer. She turned it into a discussion about safe sex.

Tess’s daughter knows that she switched from being an accountant for 25 years to becoming an educator about sexuality. She had a conversation with her daughter about sex now that she’s had a steady boyfriend. She doesn’t want her daughter to have sex, but she knows she can’t stop her, and wants her to be safe if she does. They had a talk about using the Pill and condoms.

Does talking about sex online, under your own name or as a persona, affect your relationships? Your job?

AV says that talking about sex online is a revolution. She’s helping put it all out there, but she doesn’t always want to be on the front lines of the revolution. It can be a real problem for a lot of people, although she’s been lucky with her employers. It’s a constant exercise in reputation management. You use pseudonyms. (I have one. I’m not telling you. But kudos to you if you figure it out on your own.)

Twanna does not write about people she’s dating while she’s dating them. She will write things and then save them to post until after the relationship is over. People are sexual beings in very different ways. You don’t want to work for someone who doesn’t want to hire you just because you write about sex. We all got here because of sex.

Genia writes about lesbian sex and lives in a small community of 33,000 people. She puts it out there up front so it won’t be a problem in the future. She’s been on the front page of her local newspaper twice. She’s gotten more clients since she’s been completely out than when she was in the closet. Once it’s out there, people trust you, because they figure you can’t really have much else to hide.

Kristen gets a lot of emails from moms who are grateful for her work, helping them get back in touch with themselves as sexual beings. Sex should be great, and it makes everyone happy, hopefully.

Where are good places to go for quality information about sexuality and being a mother? How about a place to rant and share frustrations?

Tess says it’s much easier to see now that their fantasies are shared. FetLifeNow is like the “Facebook kink.” It’s out there, and it takes a little bit of searching. You have to explore the scene as conscientiously as you would in any other date. Be smart and don’t live out dangerous fantasies with strangers.

AV says it can be educational when you find that there’s a name for whatever you’re into. The know that it has a name makesit feel more acceptable. Having a group of people to talk to on the Internet is very helpful.

Kristen says that the positives outweigh the negatives. Sex is becoming more mainstream. She basically writes “sex light.” It’s fun, campy stuff, but it allows people to feel more comfortable talking about sex. The Internet makes it easier to buy sex toys and not have to worry about what to do with your kids while you go out to buy a vibrator.

Genia’s friends don’t listen to her radio show. She and her fiancee (applause!) are happy that their friends don’t listen. Their friends always see to think they’re talking about them.

Tess said that her sister discovered her blog. Her sister was very upset, sent her an upsetting email. This is her life, and she’s not ashamed of what she’s doing with it. She told her sister not to read her blog; this isn’t stuff that family needs to know.

Kristen’s parents thought that her book was a children’s book. (Laughter ensues.) Joking about “every fourth Tuesday, or early January.” LOL. She doesn’t focus on mostly personal info anymore. Her mother quoted her book to her. Yikes!

Question from the audience: How do you deal with all the negative comments?

Kristen deletes a lot. A lot of her Facebook friends will not become Mominatrix fans because they don’t want their families to know they like her. (I get this. I haven’t “liked” EdenFantasys on FB for the same reason. My MIL is on there!)

AV talks about trolls. Don’t feed them. Moderate your comments. Don’t read your comments when you’re in a bad mood.

Genia doesn’t have repeat offenders on her blog. Her fans will usually handle trolls for her.

Kristen doesn’t have the same experiences because she doesn’t focus so much on the personal.

Twanna says you need to have a strong sense of who you are. Know what’s important to you, and be secure in that. Don’t come to her site and write crap about her. Do it in your own space. Genia agrees. Twanna does not moderate her comments, and she doesn’t have a comment policy in place, but Kristen says that a comment policy is good to have. “If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything.”  Tess said that the floodgates opened up when she was linked to on Huffington Post; she got a comment saying that her husband was going to commit suicide based on their lifestyle. She deleted comments when she sees where they’re going.

Topic change. Kristen says there’s nothing wrong with deciding to be anonymous. And you don’t have to talk about everything if you’re not comfortable with sharing all the details.

Question for Twanna and Genia: Do your blogs help break stereotypes about African-American women?

Genia says that her blog and radio show are definitely changing sexual perceptions about black lesbians, especially. There’s a stereotype about black lesbians all looking alike. The more comfortable and confident she is about herself, the less she has to deal with from other people. She likes showing diversity through her platform.

Twanna thinks that middle aged white men tend to love her blog. There isn’t one way to be black. She’s been very vocal about this. She grew up in “cow-tipping Illinois,” so sterotypes about the urban black community do not apply to her.

Question about teens and sexuality.

Tess recommends ScarletTeen.com for sex education for kids who aren’t comfortable coming to their parents with questions about sex. Exponentially better than Yahoo Answers. (Shudder.)

Genia sees herself as a resource for her teenagers, and they are very comfortable coming to her. Her son woke her up one morning, asking her to take him to the doctor because he was worried he had an STD.

Kristen says that sex should be part of everyday language. Learn not to be shocked, or they’ll never come to you with anything.

Question: Are potential dating partners freaked out about your sex blogging?

AV says that the size thing is funny, because it’s not really a big deal “all the time.” (Much laughter.) She started the Size Queen Brigade to harass men on Twitter who seem overly concerned with their size. She also has issues with men who are obsessed with making you orgasm, especially when it comes to BDSM. Finding out men’s reactions to her blogging is a good gauge of how comfortable they are with their sexuality.

Twanna thinks it’s a good barometer of how men feel about relationships.

Question: In the course of your writing, did you find something about yourself? Anything you’re uptight about?

Kristen used to be really uptight about everything. Maybe that’s why she writes about sex now. (*Cough*)

Genia did a video called “Lesbian Sex Doesn’t Have to be Boring.” There’s a yes/no/maybe list they found on someone else’s Web site to go over it on camera. Then they realized they were actually kind of boring. (Oops!) (One of the other panelists added, “Vanilla can be very tasty.”)

AV has written about a variety of explicit sexual topics that I don’t want the search traffic for. What does she flip out about? When a man asked her, “So, are we going to hook up?” The “hook up” term seemed gross and tacky to her. She has a huge problem with casual sex and hooking up.

Tess has learned that her limits are very fluid, and they change from time to time. She’s not into casual hook-ups either, even though she’s in an open marriage. She wants the dynamic of a relationship.

Question: Is sexuality the last bastion of owning the “whole you?”

Genia says it was for her. Ever since the day she decided not to separate her personal life from her professional life, it opened up the floodgate of success. She reconnected with her family. She felt empowered. When you get to a place where you’re completely comfortable with your sexuality, it lets you let go of lots of stuff from your past.

Kristen says that a lot of her mom friends view sex as unessential. When you address sex as an essential component of your existence, it brings everything else together. It makes you a better woman, wife, mom, and person. When something isn’t working with sex, too many women assume that it’s just how things are “supposed to be,” even though we go to the doctor when we’re hurt or sick.

Twanna says that sexuality has not been fully tapped into. The sexual revolution of the 1970s was not that long ago. Gay marriage and abortion are still huge. Sex scandals end political careers all the time.

AV says that, when she was going through her divorce, she talked to her mom about how she and her husband were no longer connecting physically. Her mom said, “It’s just sex.” She disagrees. It’s not “just sex.”

Tess points out that there’s a warm-up period to get people talking about sex. Noticeable from the way questions have come in during this session.

Great session, ladies!

Christina Gleason (976 Posts)

That’s me: Christina Gleason. I’m a writer, editor, and disability advocate. I'm a multiply disabled autistic lady doing my best in this world built for abled people. I’m a geek for grammar, fantasy, and casual gaming. I hate vegetables. I cannot reliably speak, so I’ll happily conduct business over email or messaging instead.