How to Avoid Fighting as Parents of Disabled Kids

I’m going to come right out and say that Tom and I had a blowup fight last night. There was crying and yelling, and I even left the house so I could sit in my car at the park and scream where no one would hear me. And it all started because TJ asked me to make him the can of dinosaur Spaghettios he wanted me to buy at the grocery store…and then he refused to try a single bite. TJ had a meltdown, which put both of us on edge, and I blew up at Tom, and he blew right back up at me.

We both have things we need to work on as parents and as spouses. A lot of stuff came up in the two hour aftermath of the incident after TJ went to bed. Stuff that we should have been talking about before. And then we could have avoided this fight, saving a lot of tears and Kleenex tissues in the process.

Communication

When you have a disabled child, talking to each other is so important. Some days, you’d never know that TJ has Asperger Syndrome. Other days, it’s like he could be the poster child for Asperger’s. Have you ever watched Parenthood on NBC? TJ doesn’t struggle as much as Max does on a daily basis, but his meltdowns are just as epic. I feel like the Kristina on the show sometimes. Sharing a name with her is a little odd, since I can see so much of myself in her character. The difference is that she knows Max best because she’s the stay at home mom who’s with him all day. I’m the one who knows TJ best because I know what he’s going through. I see so much of myself in him, too. I understand his issues with food, because I have the same problems. I know how hard it is to come back down from a meltdown, and telling him to stop crying is only going to make it worse.

But Tom doesn’t understand these things. He doesn’t have any of the Asperger’s traits that I share with TJ. So I get angry with him for being too hard on TJ for things he can’t control, and he gets angry with me because he’s just so overwhelmed with everything. I can’t help but think that if he’d just told me how he was feeling, and if I’d tried to help him understand TJ’s behavior better, last night wouldn’t have been so horrible.

It’s stressful to be a parent. It’s even more stressful when your child is something other than “typical.” When you add in other stressors, it can do a number on your marriage. It’s been all about me for months, since I’ve been very depressed about my father’s cancer diagnosis. My husband has been taking care of both me and TJ in addition to working six days a week… I wish I could be more helpful, but I’m a mess. (This will be a separate blog post.) Letting each other know how you feel is so important. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, if you’re feeling depressed, if you disagree with how your child’s discipline is being handled, you need to let your partner know. Trust me, you don’t want to be throwing things in each other’s face when your tempers are high. It will hurt more.

Talk to each other. Talk about how you’re feeling. Ask how your partner is feeling. And actually listen. Talk about your child – the good stuff as well as your concerns. Discuss strategies for handling problem behavior. (I talk about a few ideas here: Is Your Preschooler a Brat?) Try not to blame or accuse your partner when you have disagreements. One of you probably does understand your child better, and things you take for granted might be unknown to your partner. Try to help each other understand where both of you are coming from.

You can talk over wine. You can talk over desserts. You can talk while cuddling on the couch. Just talk. After the kids go to bed or are otherwise out of the house. Make sure you take a timeout if things get heated. Have I stressed the importance of talking?

How often do you talk to your partner? I mean really talk? You don’t even have to have a disabled child. It’s important for all parents. When was the last time you two talked?

Christina Gleason (976 Posts)

That’s me: Christina Gleason. I’m a writer, editor, and disability advocate. I'm a multiply disabled autistic lady doing my best in this world built for abled people. I’m a geek for grammar, fantasy, and casual gaming. I hate vegetables. I cannot reliably speak, so I’ll happily conduct business over email or messaging instead.