Grief

My dad will be going into hospice care once he is discharged from the hospital. He has fought a long, hard battle against Mantle Cell Lymphoma (MCL) – and now he’s ready to stop fighting it.

The first time he was diagnosed with cancer, he hardly seemed sick at all. His treatment worked, and his autologous stem cell transplant sent him into remission. When the cancer came back…

He’s been in so much pain for so long. Treatment after treatment has failed. His E. coli infection almost killed him in the fall. His ruptured appendix almost killed him just a few weeks ago. They took a liter of fluid out of his lungs yesterday and his kidneys are failing. His body has taken too many hits. He’s sick, he’s weak, and he’s suffered some terrible indignities. He is at peace with his decision to forgo his chemo and focus only on his comfort now. It is for the rest of us to come to terms with it now.

I am not doing well. I knew the odds have been stacked against him for a long time, but I kept waiting for the miracle that would give me my dad back, when he would feel well enough to sit at the table for Sunday dinner and tell terrible his jokes. But I’m never going to get him back.

Depression has been haunting me for months, worrying about my dad’s condition. Grief has now swallowed me whole. I don’t know if we have days left with him or weeks or months. I don’t think months are likely.

I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep. Then maybe I could wake up and find this has been all a bad dream.

But I’m going to have to do things. I have TJ to think about. I can’t just shut down on him. I have work I have to do. I have commitments I’ve made to brands.

I probably won’t have many profound posts here for a while. I have to honor a few review commitments I’ve made, so those will be coming soon. I foresee Twitter and Facebook being filled with mindless quiz results and other trivialities that serve as distractions. Maybe some attention-seeking behavior.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me already. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Christina Gleason (976 Posts)

That’s me: Christina Gleason. I’m a writer, editor, and disability advocate. I'm a multiply disabled autistic lady doing my best in this world built for abled people. I’m a geek for grammar, fantasy, and casual gaming. I hate vegetables. I cannot reliably speak, so I’ll happily conduct business over email or messaging instead.